


Oh, Ana, I’ll Be With You Still

by TheViolentBlue



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Klaus Hargreeves, I want to hug klaus hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves Deserves Better, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Klaus Hargreeves-centric, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Vomiting, implied sexual harassment, please, read the notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:47:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28565619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheViolentBlue/pseuds/TheViolentBlue
Summary: You are the angel that I couldn’t kill...
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves
Comments: 1
Kudos: 59





	Oh, Ana, I’ll Be With You Still

**Author's Note:**

> THIS WHOLE THING IS KLAUS PURGING. PLEASE DONT READ IT IF THAT AND/OR VOMIT IN GENERAL IS TRIGGERING TO YOU. ALSO, THERES REFERENCES TO SEXUAL HARASSMENT BUT ITS NOT VERY DETAILED. STAY SAFE PLEASE. 
> 
> in other words, I have bulimia and this is me self projecting because nobody on the outside seems to understand how shitty it is.

“I’m sorry,” Klaus mumbles into his knees, crouching infront of the toilet. “I tried. I tried so hard. I-

The sobs come involuntarily, devastation and grief holding his lungs and heart so tight he’s sure he’ll suffocate. He can’t tell if it’s a sudden sickness or if he’s having a panic attack. All he knows is that it hurts. All he knows is that he’s alone. 

“I could have been better...” Klaus whispers. “I could have let them see you. I’m so sorry.” 

But he knew no matter how many times the stupid word dropped from his lips, Ben still wasn’t coming back. No matter how many sobs shook his thin frame, he still couldn’t save Dave. The situation was helpless and Klaus couldn’t see himself as anything other than utterly useless. So whats the point in breaking down now? It solves nothing. 

Even with that being said, the tears continue to flow freely over his cheekbones. He hadn’t done right by Ben. He hadn’t done right by dave. Not in full. There was no way to sugarcoat it. They’re both gone and he hadn’t been able to save either of them. He feels so guilty. He feels so gross. He feels so dirty. 

Guilty. Gross. Dirty. 

The same way he’d felt in the days following the nights where the hands of countless people grabbed him anywhere they could reach. The same way he’d felt each and every time his poor excuse of a father locked him in another dark, dead body filled room. The same way he’d felt laying beside the love of his life’s bleeding corpse on the frontline of a battlefield in a year he had no business being in. 

Guilty. Gross. Dirty. 

The dirt was in places Klaus’s fingers would never be able to reach to scrub. It was in the deepest creases of his brain. It was in the blood vessels of his heart. It ran through veins in his arms and sat nauseatingly heavy in the pit if his stomach. 

Klaus takes a shaky breath, glancing around the dimly lit bathroom once again. It was in moments like these that Ben would always be there to offer up a sarcastic comment for distraction or, depending on the severity of the situation, ome soft words for comfort. But he isn’t now and the world feels so empty without him that Klaus swears he can almost hear trees rustling in the wind on the other side of the planet. His stomach roils and he can feel the dirt churning. His brows draw towards the center of his temple as he glances up at the faucet. 

If he’s alone then that means there’s no one here to stop him from expelling the dirt from his stomach, huh? 

_No. _No, it’s so long since he’s dropped to this level. He couldn’t just throw all that progress away now, could he?__

__But who was that progress made for? Himself, or the only two people who had ever shown him true affection? Himself, or the two people that he didn’t try hard enough for? Himself, or the two people who are now gone forever? The answer lies plainly in the second half of the question. He knows it._ _

__Klaus swallows thick in his throat as he moves to stand, struggling to even out his weight between two unsteady legs. He spares the doorknob to his right a quick glance, making sure it’s locked, before allowing his trembling fingers to turn the faucet on. The sound of the water shatters the silence in the room, making Klaus cringe slightly. His mouth salivates in preparation of whats to come. The achingly familiar feeling of anticipation washes over him. His throat burns with muscle memory._ _

___so, _he thinks, _we’re here again are we? ______ _

______Klaus relishes in the feeling of the cool water running over his fingers. He looks to his reflection in the mirror. The eyes that stare back are rimmed red and swollen from his pointless sobbing. The bags underneath them almost look like bruises in the yellow-tinted light. He feels so disgusting. Inside and out. The dirt inside of him churns again as his insides buzz with anxiety._ _ _ _ _ _

______Much like a loyal servant would kneel before a king, Klaus is on his knees before the toilet in an instant. He props his arm up on the toilet seat infront of him, pressing his stomach hard against it’s bowl and readying his body to allow muscle memory to take over from there._ _ _ _ _ _

______He sinks into the feeling of his damp fingers snaking down his throat, pleasuring the way it makes his grime and guilt filled stomach lurch forward. It’s been so long since he’s felt bliss in this form. He hasn’t purged in years. A long enough time to forget how quickly it makes the guilty, gross feeling slide away into the dopamine-laced adrenaline that floods his brain._ _ _ _ _ _

______After a few moments of moving his fingers around in his throat, his waffles and bacon that he made himself for dinner the previous night are pulled up with the dirt from his stomach in the form of a molten hot liquid and spilled into the porcelain bowl in front of him. He savors the taste of food drenched in stomach acid lingering on his tongue for a brief moment before shoving his fingers into his esophagus and repeating the process again and again until the heaviness of the dirt slips away and he’s satisfied his need to rid his body of it’s toxins._ _ _ _ _ _

______As gross as he knows it is, he’s missed this feeling so so so much. Maybe his throat feels like its on fire, but it doesn’t matter. Maybe his head is pounding, but that doesn’t matter. He’s achieved his high without a needle. He feels light and alive and _clean _.___ _ _ _ _ _

________What more could he ask for?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Klaus is quickly snapped away from his bliss as someone begins to knock on the door. He swipes a shanky hand over his mouth, clearing it of evidence of sins, and moves so that he’s sitting with his butt on the floor._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Klaus, what the Hell are you going in there, man? I have to piss!” Diego shouts._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Use your own bathroom, Diego.” Klaus says with a broken voice, sliding back so he’s pressed against the outer wall of his bathtub._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I can’t! Luthers’ in there!” Diego says, almost whining now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh my god, fucking go outside then!” Klaus manages to shout just as the damn begins to break and he has to force the pain out of his voice. Diego is quiet on the other side of the door for a moment before speaking again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Are you okay?” He asks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Im fine. Leave me alone, please.” Klaus responds, hugging his knees to his chest and letting his head fall back to rest on the edge of the bathtub._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Are you sure?” Diego asks again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yes, Diego! Now go away! Please!” Klaus shouts, tears slipping from his eyes again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And so, reluctantly, Diego does, muttering something (most likely an insult) under his breath and stomping away like a child. Just like everyone in this family always has. And Klaus is left alone in a bathroom that is slowly starting to smell of sick and a high in the form of a quickly fading adrenaline rush._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________All he can do now is let his tears continue to track lines through his foundation and wait for the guilty dirt to return to his gut. Then he can kneel to his God once more and say his prayers to rid himself of it. All on his own. Just as things used to be._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. feel free to follow me on Twitter (@indieklaus) or Instagram (@tragicwithacapitalt_ or @klausymemez). All feedback is appreciated. I love you all. Stay safe. <3


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